Trish in Florida

Puppy-tossing Marine

2008-03-12T09:08:00.000-07:00

Let me just preface this by saying that, clearly, I love animals. I can't remember a day in my life that I didn't have a pet of some sort. I got a job before I even turned 16 because I wanted to work at Petsmart so badly, I have in my apartment what can only be called a small zoo, and I've been a vet tech for 2 years. I study marine biology and I want to be a vet for God's sack (Laura, that was intentional)

People need to shut the hell up about the marine and the puppy throwing video. This country is jam packed with retards. Listen up folks, I am in no way defending the guy. I think he is an idiot and an asshole. Whether the dog was alive or dead, the video was done in extremely poor taste and it's disgusting that people can walk around with absolutely no morals. However.

I cannot believe the response and the outrage this movie has facilitated. People are screaming for this guy's blood. They are harrassing his family. They are freaking out times 6,000,000. Time to CHILL OUT and OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES. All of you animal rights people having coronaries about this video, why don't you visit your local kill shelter and have a fucking coronary over there? Humane euthanization, my ass. They put 50 dogs in a tiny room together and GAS THEM TO DEATH. Lethal injections HURT without sedation. These dogs struggle, cry, try to escape. This happens every day, thousands and thousands of times over because so-called animal lovers like these people BITCHING about this video decide it would be fun to breed their dogs, or maybe they get sick of a puppy that's too rambunctious, because for whatever dumbass reason they can't keep their pet, or they don't have the money, blah blah blah. I don't understand how one puppy gets this much attention when shit like this happens every single goddamn day.

What I really, really don't understand is how people can have this much of a tizzy about a marine throwing a puppy when PEOPLE are being tortured overseas. Girls are getting raped. People are getting tortured. Guys are coming back from Iraq fucked up to the point that their families don't even know them anymore, and then they end up becoming murderers like that guy who killed the girl at Auburn. And we're getting this worked up about a PUPPY?!?! Give me a fucking break!!!!!! This guy was a sick son of a bitch for first of all, tossing the puppy off a cliff (assuming it was a live puppy) and secondly, for being enough of a dumbass idiot for making a movie out of it, but honestly. How often do you think things like this happen over there? They happen all the time. We just don't hear about it. How often do you think these tired, stressed out, frustrated, overworked soldiers kill animals? All the time. How often do you think soldiers find starving, sick, dying puppies on patrol and put them out of their misery? All the time. But how often do you think soldiers find dogs and puppies tat may have a chance of survival and save them? ALL THE TIME.

Time for people to get some perspective, take the blinders off for Christ's sake. If you really love animals, take action. Volunteer, adopt, or shut the fuck up.

Sorry, had to let that one out. Haha.

Moved out! Whoop whoop!!

2008-03-10T07:58:00.000-07:00

Finally, we have moved ourselves out of the hellhole studio, and into this wonderous one bedroom in King's Mill apartments right down the street. Check it. http://www.sawyerapts.com/kings_mill_apartments.html

I know it only has two picture but I will post some soon when I finally get around to charging my camera. We kidded ourselves Friday night that we only had around an hour or so of packing left to do, which was amusing because it actually turned out to be 6 + hours of packing. We also had to do laundry like you wouldn't believe, including our comforter which was beyond your normal definitions of disgusting, and we finally get to bed at around 2. Well, just to make our last night in the place more magical, Angel decides she's going to host PuKeFeSt 2008!!! Seemingly mostly aiming for our newly cleaned comforter, which by morning was covered beyond salvation with thousands of chunks of bright orange puke. As you can imagine, this just added to the fun of the whole moving process.

So Chris's company let him borrow the furniture delivery truck this weekend, which was huge, and in which we almost ran over several grammas and a turtle.Moving all of our crap out the old place and up the stairs of this one finally made me really appreciate what he does every day. We were once again up until all hours on saturday night , and of course I do what I'm sure everyone does, which is to have a 1,000,000 things to unpack by you find yourself doing shit like....filling your new spice rack with spices. I also found myself threading the extension of my vaccumm cleaner into every crack and crevice I clapped and eye to, and of course practically cried when I found a half a crustly, archaic, fossilized palmetto bug in a cranny. Chris told me theres probably nothing to worry about, but I still searched with a flashlight anyway, only found a schmorgisboard of corn chips. Good thing I know what it's like to have roaches now, and everything is my kitchen is hermetically sealed.

We still have so much to do, and I should probably get in the shower, which we could not figure out how to turn on, and actually had to go up to some stranger in the complex and ask them how the hell to turn on the shower. Morons.

For anyone even remotely curious about my relationship

2008-03-06T16:56:00.000-08:00

Basically I wanted to take this survey because the creator had titled it "95 insightful questions." I bet not one is insightful.

Where did you meet? This is not insightful....right off the bat. Nice try.

When did you meet? Wow...ok I guess I have to seriously take this...ok....here we go...

Was it love at first sight? This is retarded

how old were you both? Okay...let's be serious.....Um I believe we were both 17

When did you have your first kiss? When? November 4th at 1900 hours? I have no idea.

Where was your first date? Starbucks, I suppose...technically.

How long until you met the parents? I don't even want to think about those shitty people.

When was it 'official'? Nov. 1st, 2005

The good...

Is this gonna be a good, the bad, and the ugly? This survey is a trainwreck.

Whats your happiest memory of him? thankfully, he is still alive.

Whats the sweetist thing he has ever done for you? He was birthed. (yes, birthed.)

Does he buy you lots of gifts? He buys me "Trish prizes"

Whats your favorite thing to do together? I don't know, probably kill ourselves mountain biking

When did you know you were falling in love? Ok come on! I cannot pinpoint these dates and times! Stop with the when questions! I take things literally!

Who said 'I love you' first? .....wow good question. No clue....wait........wait...................................me.

Is it true love? Yeah why would I waste my time otherwise. Absolutely.

How do you know this? Irrelevant

The bad...
Oh my god I was right.

Whats his worst habit? Forgetting to do things, like shut the cabinet....or refrigerator door. Honestly.

What annoys you about him? See above

Has he ever hurt you badly? No I'd crush his skull.

Would he ever cheat? No...never

Has he to your knowlege ever cheated? Nope....ok look at me. why would he want to, for gods sack?

Do you trust him? 100%

The ugly....
Ridiculous.

Best facial feature? I think I know where this is going and I already don't like it.

Favorite part of his body? yep that's where it went

Hair colour? Colour? Ye olde dirte blonyde

What does he smell of? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....omg.......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Whats he wearing when you picture him in your head? I don't ever have to picture him. He's frikin' everywhere.

Intimacy...
Eeks.

How do you feel when he holds you? this is not family appropriate, survey maker. nor is this insightful.

How do you feel when you fall asleep and wake up in his arms? really sweaty.

How does it feel when he touches you? okay is this for real?

Does his touch give you goose bumps?

Does he kiss your neck?

Your tummy? ................................................................................^ WTF ^^^

Your forehead?

Deep and meaningfull...

Could you be without him? No way...we have a cat and joint checking account...

Do you think about him constantly when your apart? it's you're people...come on. is it that hard.

How long have you been together? almost 2 and a half years

Can you see a future together? Like I said. Cat. Checking account.

Would you like to get married? Not anytime soon, but yes eventually

Have children? ABSOLUTLEY FUCKING NOT. we will NOT have any spawn.

Where can you see your relationship in a years time? Same as now

5 years time? Same as now

Do you know there is definatly no-one better out there for you? No need to hyphenate.

How do you know this? I'm gonna kick myself in the face.

Are you scared he might find someone better? Oh hell no.

Is he your best friend as well as your lover? Yes. That's the only kind of relationship that works.

Does he come first over everyone else in your life? Yes aside from Stella.

Would you die for him? whoa nelly

On a lighter note...

Whats the funniest thing you have ever done together? Way too many drunken nights to describe here.

Say something that only you two understand mmmmmmmmmmmberch!

Do you have nick names for each other? no we have real names that we use.

Does he make you laugh? yeah we laugh our asses off (not sarcasm)

Do you wrestle? And it always end with me getting overexuberant and hurting myself and then pouting for an hour

Is he tickelish? i know better...id get it back times 40000

Are you? See above. id rather break a toe than be tickled.

His Favorites...

Food? Anything I concoct.

Drink? Kool-aid freak

Sport? basketball

Past time? No one says past time anymore. nice try.

Animal? the stupid cat

Aftershave? Um no idea

Clothing style? hobo

Band? Live

Music? good music.

Your 'things'....

Song? We don't really have one, which is wierd

DVD? ???

Place to hang out? Anywhere food is provided

Meal to cook together? Are u joking...his ass cannot even cook mac and cheese. He wanted to use the water u boil it in for the cheese sauce. no.

Lasts...

Time you saw him? This morning

Kissed him? This morning

Spoke to him? 2 seconds ago

The last text he sent you? Want me to quote it or what?

When will you...

See him again? an hour

Speak to him again? an hour

Tell him you love him again? redundant

Have you ever?

Spent the night together? I just realized this was made for someone is high school. yeah it took me that long.

Been on holiday? And for english people

Met his parents? hopefully never again

Had naughty time? W...........T.............F

Made him cry? haha like every day. just kidding.

Done anything spontaneous together? lets see...moved to florida......

Lastly....

Is this love? nah we just settled. (joke)

Boredom Strikes

2008-03-06T16:26:00.000-08:00

Stupid survey that I randomly copied and pasted

1. What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? Any flavor...nothing with nanners (shudder)

2. Cable or Satellite? You get cable WITH a satellite...dumbass....digital or satellite? Neither. I live in the stone age.

3. Favorite video game? I only play gameboy. I only play pokemon...but don't tell anyone.

4. Do you have to sleep with a fan on at night? Yes it gets hot as a crotch in this place at night. Also, the fan convienantly blocks out roach noises.

5. Your feelings on global warming? Um, no one is allowed to have "feelings on" global warming and more than anyone can have "feelings on" the sky being blue. It's a fucking fact. Get over it...do something about it.

6. Do you still have a VCR somewhere? Nope

7. Been on a sailboat? I want to say yes...wait....no.

8. Two of your best friends are fighting. Your reaction? They're probably drunk and I'm laughing my ass off. I don't think we have ever fought, to be honest. That's why I've had the same friends for years...I hate girls.

9. Home Depot or Lowes? Big stores with a lot of boring lumber. Neither.

10. Beer or Hard Liquor? We drink boxed wine like it's going out of style.

11. Best movie you’ve seen recently? I loved the resident evil movies...just saw those. Mostly because they introduced me to Killswitch Engage.

12. Would you walk across broken glass for $100? WTF...no....that's at least $100 in stitches. I'm sure Chris would do it though. His dumbass almost took a bite out of the anatomy dissection cat for $200. He's disgusting.

13. Your feelings on dolphins? My feelings? Well....sometimes dolphins upset me...they say they'll call and then they never do...it just hurts sometimes, you know?

14. Would you ever rob a bank? ..................................................................no.

15. Do you plan out your day before it begins? Does anyone do that? Seriously. Except for maybe the 40 year old virgin.

16. What kind of digital camera do you have? One that isn't a disposable and that's all I care to know.

17. Can you fall asleep with your eyes open? That's fucking freakish. I hope no one can.

18. Winter or Summer? I like both here in ol' FL!

19. Your ex’s car breaks down and they ask you for a lift. Your response? You live in New Jersey. Call someone else.

20. Your feelings on Britney? Straight up dumbass....however hilarious.

21. Do you go to the gym regularly? Now I do, when I realized I was wasting $40 a month sitting on my ass and not going to the gym I joined.

22. Ever play with model trains? Model trains are for the elderly and republicans with too much time on their hands.

23. You’ve just bought a new house. What color will you paint the walls in the living room? Who the hell knows. That's for my mom and Chris to argue over.

24. Best subject in school? Biology

25. What are your goals for this year? To move out of roachland USA.

26. Do you spread false rumors about people just for the hell of it? No. I hated people who did that in high school.

27. Do you consider yourself religious? hahaha

28. Internet Explorer or Firefox? us mac users have cool ass SAFARI

29. Ever play online poker? No but the doctor at my work plays online reversi until my eyes bleed and I want to start kicking dogs.

30. For real money? NO. jesus.

31. Describe the first house you lived in. Why? How boring. (Ma it's a nice house, I'm just not describing it)

32. Do you want to kick someone in the face right now? When don't I want to kick someone in the face?

33. Favorite sport to watch? Da bears

34. You see someone running around naked in the street. Your reaction? Join.

35. How much syrup do you put on your waffles and/or pancakes for breakfast? Too much

36. Favorite junk food? Ritz bitz CHEESE sandwiches. Peanut butter can kiss it.

37. Bottled water. Yes or no? RIP OFF

38. Do you have a lot of candles in your room? No Angel would probably burn herself on them...and then continue to burn herself on them. That cat is a retard.

39. Are the files in your computer well organized or all over the place? All files go in recycle bin limbo where they belong.

40. Are there dogs barking in your neighborhood right now? No or I'd kick them in the face.

41. Where would you most like to be right now? Not in a roach apartment.

42. Do you own a sleeping bag? I did but that stinky shit got chucked in the trash too.

43. UFC. Entertaining or stupid? I honestly don't even know what that is

44. Favorite reality show? Omg ur life is a fucking reality show....turn off the tv and live it.

45. What was the first CD you ever bought? Chumbawumba!

46. Are all infomercials completely pointless? Just as much so as this survey.

47. Who are you voting for in 2008? The democratic candidate.

48. If money was no object, what car would you drive? I would get a horse buggy for sure. Or a sled dog team.

49. Last 5 played songs in your Itunes playlist? Who would want to read that....seriously.

50. Was this survey random enough for you? This survey was dumb.

2nd and last second amendment post

2008-02-25T19:25:00.000-08:00

I knew I'd get a response like that from someone. I know that is a huge issue, which is why I'm addressing it and taking a FIRM stand on it. I've heard people agree that gun laws should tighten up, then follow up the statement with something to the effect of, "but well, for hunting it would be ok." and "if people where taught how to handle and use a gun properly it would be ok."

It's still not okay. Here's why.

I have never believed in hunting. It is my opinion that it is wrong to kill innocent animals for no good reason. However, I understand that many people enjoy hunting as a sport, and claim that hunting keeps certain animal populations in check. I'm not addressing the animal-rights angle of the argument here, but I have to say first and foremost that the whole "population check" argument is ridiculous. Why does there have to be this so-called check in the first place? Probably because hunters and poachers eliminated the predators in the area for that particular prey item in the first place. Probably because human beings are destroying huge swatches of natural habitat on a daily basis and these animals have nowhere to go. Probably because human beings introduce more animals than a particular ecosystem can hold for the express purpose of creating a hunting reservation. I promise that 200 years ago, the prey animal population got along just fine without us here to "keep it in check."

Hunting would STILL BE ABLE TO HAPPEN without guns. There are some high-tech, crazy assed bows out on the market that would do the same job. Granted, shotguns and rifles are far more neeto-burrito than bows and arrows, and those dang varmints sure do drop it like its hot when they're hit with a good ol' fashioned shotgun round, but it would still do the job.

I undestand completely that "Not all people who own guns are psychos." and I don't need to be constantly reminded. I don't believe that only nuts own guns. What I am saying is that psychos CAN get their hands on firearms, with almost ridiculous ease, and accidents DO happen to good, responsible people. Think of it this way. (Madonna, I love you, and I don't mean to pick on you, but you used exactly the arguments I expect, and I enjoy arguing, and this is in no way personal.) Parents who enjoy hunting want to confer the past time to their children. Hunting is fun, builds character, takes place in the great outdoors, and teaches respect for firearms. These people are obviously advocates of firearms being readily availible to the general public, being people who smart with their weapons and very safe. The child grows up to know how to use a weapon, to handle a weapon safely, and to be able to shoot a varmint from 200 yards.

It doesn't matter. This kid is JUST as likely to be the victim of a hunting accident. They happen. Google Dick Cheney. This kid is JUST as likely to be shot in a hold-up. This kid is JUST as likely to be shot while he or she is sitting in a classroom at a high school or university. And in that instance, all his gun safety knowledge comes to NAUGHT, unless he or she has a weapon, at that exact moment, with which to defend himself.

But we all agree arming the general population is ridiculous and out of the question.

Another argument is that the public has every right to own firearms to defend our family and property. What is the likelihood that your personal defense weapon will actually come into play during an armed robbery? When you hear a noise downstairs at night, how many people go downstairs automatically carrying a gun? If you have a lock on your door and an alarm system, you would probably have more time to turn on the lights and call the police than to bust your weapon out of its SECURE location that is hopefully not located in one of the bedrooms, load it, and go downstairs to do what, engage in a fierce firefight? I doubt that the scenario that many people have in their heads, of heroically brandishing a shotgun while two home-aloneesque robbers drop the tv and scurry in all directions, actually comes to pass.

I know I'm being extremely opinionated, and maybe a bit harsh, but guess what. This is what it comes down to. These school shootings happen constantly, and what am I supposed to do, lay down like a doormat when some asshole could come into my lecture hall at ANY TIME and shoot me and my classmates for NO REASON with a gun he purchased legally?!?! Give me a damn break!I understand firearms can be purchased illegally, however I refuse to accept that we're okay with living in a country that actually ENABLES these tragedies! I have friends at NIU that I haven't talked to for years that I was calling frantically to make sure they were still alive. God forbid my mother have to call my phone like that when she hears some fucked up asshole that went off his medication decided to mow down a classroom of students at UWF with some weapon he casually picked up at the local walmart.

DISCLAIMER: although I have been harsh, I still love and adore members of my family who disagree with me.

Another post from roach insomniac

2008-02-23T23:43:00.000-08:00

At this rather inoppurtune time, I would like to express my profound disgust for the opinions, beliefs, and political standing of select members of this family. I won't name names, to protect the identity of the people who hold these opinions of stupidity. Instead, I would rather simply address "conservatives," as a whole, that is, aka, "dumbasses" as a whole.

First and foremost, in the wake of the shootings at NIU, let me just say that someone needs to take white-out to the goddamn second amendment. Let's wake up here people. It's not the early 1800s anymore. We aren't defending ourselves from the redcoats. We neither churn our own butter, nor kill our breakfast with a musket or other firearm who's loading consists of 5 minutes of frantic jamming of gunpowder with a stick. We no longer have a government that is housed in a shanty surrounded by a wood fence and guarded by 5 year olds with sabers. The second amendment, taken in its original contect, that being, "to defend ourselves from the british and native americans, and to possibly overthrow the government if a wild hair goes up our ass," is OBSOLETE. We no longer HAVE A MILITIA. We have a POLICE FORCE, NATIONAL GUARD, AND MILITARY who are more than tickled to do the job FOR US....this is why we pay taxes. We no longer have a government that we can overthrow with an angry mob of 50 people wielding pitchforks and small arms, as wonderful as that would be. These are the reasons this amendment was created in the first place. This is 200+ years later, people. Times change.

Now lunatics can run around willy nilly with deadly goddamn weapons that they purchased LEGALLY, walk into schools, and shoot up whomever they please. There is no way to prevent this. It isn't logical to put up metal detectors at EVERY door in a university. So school shootings have become something that we have consented to just "live with" like they're just a fact of life. WTF!?!?!

Is there a solution to gun violence in the USA? HELL NO. Crazy asses will always be able to get their hands on firearms, if they really want to, proven by my hick neighbors cleaning their AK-47s and accidentally shooting babies. There is no avoiding this fact. But let's face it, instances like the shooting at NIU would CERTAINLY decrease if firearms were outlawed completely. This would also decrease the instances of 5 year olds finding daddies berreta in a shoebox and shooting the babysitter.

Here's the best part of all of this. Ready? This is how people reacted to the shootings at NIU. This is a direct quote. "If all the kids in that stadium were armed, this would have never happened!"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

It's actually a popular argument, and one used by ONE OF US! If we arm the public, or the majority of it, people could protect themselves! Self defense would prevail!!!! Everyone would be safe in this magical world of bristling citizens! Foolproof! Give women weapons to carry in their purses! Sheer brilliance! Where would men carry their awesome weapon of manlihood, their hip pockets?! Better not scratch your balls, guys.

Anyone with half a brain can see what chaos that would cause. Can you imagine? You'd live in perpetual goddamn fear, that someone would take a gesture the wrong way, and shoot you. That someone would get road rage, and shoot you. You're rooting around in your purse, looking for your wallet. The cashier sees the butt of your weapon. Shoots you. Forget drunk driving! Drunk shooting would be far better!!!!! What fun! And you better believe as soon as someone saw ONE interaction go down on the street, that everyone around them would start shooting in self defense. How ridiculous is this argument? How many times a week do you think a police officer would shoot an armed citizen?The police will draw on you if they so much as see a water gun that isn't rainbow colored and emblazoned with the word NERF in neon letters. You morons cannot be serious.

Being up at 2:00 in the morning terrified of roaches makes me ornery.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I WERE ARMED?!?!

1 a.m. and no sleep tonight

2008-02-23T23:18:00.000-08:00

I am straight up, hissy fit terrified right now folks. I have to say I've put up several posts mostly joking about roaches and bug problems, but I have to level here. I am in a state of hyperalert terror. Tonight was the 2nd RLR (ridiculously large roach) sighting in only 3 days. The worst part about these sightings, in my humble opinion, is the fact that I apparently have some sort of ESP about them now. Ask Chris, but earlier this evening, while I was crafting picture frames, I literally spontaneously said, "Tonight seems like a roach night to me." Keep in mind I said this same thing the other day, when we saw the other critter. That's frikin' frightening, in of itself.

Sure enough, 3 hours later, Angel is laying peacefully on the couch while Chris and I watch Beetlejuice, when she suddenly pounces off the couch and starts chasing something around the kitchen, and I'm standing on the bed, shrieking. The goddamn thing runs all over the apartment with Chris chasing it with a napkin, and Angel running after him meowing her fool head off. Thankfully, he CRINGINGLY killed it. It was so big my balls of steel, bug vanquishing boyfriend was even freaked out by it! Unthankfully, it was twice the size of the one a few nights ago, and lo and behold, AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT SPECIES. Goddamnit! I just want to know, what's next! How big will the next one be! What did I do to deserve this shitty bug karma!!! (moved to Florida. Oh yeah.)

My theory is that they are somehow getting into a crevice outside near the closet(we're in the corner apparent, nearest the goddamn prehistoric insect forest) , and the closet is the portal through which they come. All different types are living in that damn closet, I know it! I go in that closet once a day to get my scrubs...just my scrubs, mind you, I will NOT brave the fucking cockroach portal twice a day to change from school to work clothes! Oh no! And you can just forget working out! Let me also just add that if I so much as feel a tag brush my ass crack after I put my scrubs on, all screamy meemy hell breaks loose. At least our kitchen isn't infested, because I can hear the little buggers in there eatin' the wallpaper paste! Holy hell!

It is now...1:30 and no sleep for Trish. Chris is next to me passed out, despite increasingly slurring protestations of "Imma not gonna godo sleeeeep..until you do babe.....uchchchcee....snore..." This is an irrational phobia, family. What the hell do I do about this. I'm watching my cat like a damn hawk, making sure she doesn't spontaneously leap, because I've come to understand that to be a BAD SIGN...however the cat is stupid, and sometimes leaps to paw at a tag in the carpeting, or something. So, she's good in that she recons the roaches, but bad because shes made me develop a tick and drastically increased my paranoia, cuz that dumbass is always running around this apartment attacking things randomly.

Thank god I'm moving to a place that's a one bedroom ( I can run from them) where I can actually sleep in my queen bed from home (not a murphy bed 5 inches from the ground, roach crawling territory) and theres not a gigantic frikin huge ass forest behind me!!! Please, my friends. Google "florida wood cockroach" and "american cockroach" and enjoy the hairy beast that's been tormenting me. I have to pee. That's not happening. This is a long, rambling post, but what else am I to do. Lately, to keep my mind off this hellhole, I've been crafting...uh....everything. Maybe I'll glue some more shells to $1 picture frames or make a windchime or something. Who the hell knows. Mom told me to take a pottery class, but that's a joke. Pottery is for 500 year old native americans with 1 tooth.

Apartment hell!!! (I finally remembered my password!!)

2008-02-19T09:17:00.000-08:00

Yes, this is me buried in a quagmire of crap, and it all came out of the attic. We are moving, folks.

Excellent reasons to break a lease:

1. Space to living organisms ration- .00000000005 : 10 (Not counting roaches. Yes, I will get to that.) Place may be considered too small under the circustances that: getting from the bathroom to the door is much like the obstacle course in the crucible portion of a marine's training, two people cannot be in the bathroom at the same time to brush teeth, one person and one cat in bathroom is considered claustrophobic, coffee table must be moved out of the way to accomodate bed, cleaning apartment each morning is a feat of epic proportions considering the amount of furniture that must be rearranged to allow for normal, everyday living.

2. Mattress reeks like methane-producing archaebacteria from the earth's core, for unknown reasons, and continues to get worse, garbage disposal breaks randomly and at most inoppurtune times, heater actually works only when it feels like it, refrigerator door will not close all the way, freezer door requires force in excess of 600 tons per square foot to open, fan will not turn on, will only make extremely loud buzzing noise.

3. Small, suspiciously cockroach-like bugs are being found in bathroom, 2 weeks later, suspicious noises for closet turn out to be mastodon-sized behemoth roach, orkin man comes and informs you that your neighbors seem "to enjoy having roaches" and two weeks after that your cat is chasing a cockroach around your apartment that is approximatly the same size as her and runs at a steady clip of 65 mph. Roach continues to live after being crushed repeatedly with a cookie tin with same force used to open freezer door.

We are moving the hell out, to a one bedroom, before I lose my damned sanity.

How I got Angel (for those who wish to know)

2007-10-07T08:49:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This is a rather long and tedious story. But I'm sick and bored with nothing else to do.

Angel, my 2 year old tabby, is my most recent addition to the zoo that is my apartment. I didn't plan on getting a cat until after Christmas, when, presumably, Chris and I would simply be rolling in the dough (as if that's ever true after Christmas, as if you aren't always dirt poor after the holidays, with nothing but endless bath n body works lotios and a $12 check from gramma to your name, you always fool yourself into thinking you'll have enough money to buy something extravagant.)
However, at work I ran across a flyer stating that, "Forgotten Felines of Pensacola will soon be shut down! Please come and adopt our beautiful babies, as on Augst 23rd, animal control will begin taking them away, and we risk them all being euthanized!" Of course, this broke my heart and I brought the notice home and showed Chris, whereupon he reminded me that we have neither the time nor the money for a cat. I pondered this for awhile, and even though I know he was right, I decided to connive him anyway, and went on petfinder.com, and started looking at pictures of the cats that would soon be euthanized.
Of course, I started bawling my eyes out, and sure enough Chris angrily told me to find out where the place was and that we could go the next day. I called the guy, and soon found out that this place was not a shelter, but someones house! I was given the most confusing directions known to man, and when Chris got home, we drove out to bufu, pensacola from pavement to gravel to dirt to sand roads until we finally happened up the guys house, which we only recognized from the paw print stickers all over the mail box and bumper sticks of the 140 cars with no tires in the yard.
The smell hit as soon as we were halfway up the driveway. It was a stench that only 300 cats living in one place could make. The guy wasn't home yet, so we peeked in the front window. Cats were everywhere. the meowing was deafening. Cats were coming up out of the floor, hanging from light fixtures, balancing on top of cupboards, all singing the meow mix song. This is an exaggeration, but only a very slight one. The guy came home (nice, but clearly very lonely) and let us in. the stench was eyewatering. Only a vet tech and a man with a nose of steel could have made it, thankfully, chris and I were both. There was no way of walking without stepping on cat poop, because a layer of it at least 6 inches thick coated the floor. These cats had the run of the house. They were in the kitchen, shitting on the pots and pans. they were in his bedroom, shitting on his bed. They were in the laundry room, shitting on the clothes. They were in the bathroom, amazing, shitting in the toilet, but not on purpose. We basically wandered amoungst these near-feral animals, clueless as to how we would be able to pick one. We had decided prior to entering the House of Ever-Enduring Stench that we wanted a female cat under 2 years of age. now we just wanted a cat that wasn't the one scaling our backs, knawing our shoes, or swatting us as we walked by.
Finally, I gave up and just decided to let a cat pick me. I walked from room to room, and watched for the one cat that was always there, trailing behind me. That cat turned out to be Angel, a mutt if ever a mutt there was. She must have had 5 different daddies, considering her color scheme. She looks like a calico with an old, ratty tabby overcoat on. But she was the one who had followed me since I arrived, meowing to be picked up. Most of the cats id picked up at this point, however, had scratched the living hell out of me, but when I picked up Angel, she just relaxed contentedly in my arms. She also had the least health probems of the cats that I had seen so far. And so that is how we got Angel, for a grand total of $0, and a parting word of, "Ummm, I think she's spayed...I've never seen her have a heat...." (she wasn't spayed, she rolled around this apartment like a little slut kitten for a week before i was able to get her in and spay her.)

While backing out of the driveway, a large orange tom cat leaped from the garage onto chris's car, and laid there happily until Chris and I shooed him off.

That is how I got Miss Angel, queen bitch of apartement 4E

Top reasons why gay people are the best and most amusing people to hang out with

2007-10-07T08:17:00.000-07:00

1. You are never restricted to a single age group. In one night, your "clique" may consist of 2 people who are your age, a huge fat mexican kid, a 65 year old man with a handle bar mustache, a 7 foot tall black man whose age is unknown, and variously colored hair lesbians. The great [art about this is that everyone is completely eccentric and hilarious, and you don't have to worry at all about the old man with the handle bar mustache being a creepster.

2. The bar that your best friend (recently out of the closet) brings you to has a women's bathroom with a sign on the door saying, " No more than one at a time, or you will be kicked out!" And the men's bathroom has a swinging door, and every time the door swings open you can clearly see at least 5 guys in there at one time, all crammed around the one toilet, doing only god knows what.

3. Some guy will come and kick u out of your corner of the bar at any time of the night and inform u that, "the HIV testing crew is going to set up here," and you laugh thinking that he's just trying to tease the dumb straight girl, then sure enough 5 seconds later guys with stethascopes and black briefcases start pulling out medical equipment in the corner and guys start lining up behind a curtain.

4. Gay people know how to make the most amazing drinks u have ever heard of. they have more alcoholic beverages in their homes then the average bennys beverage depot. That is, gay guys. The average lesbian (one of my best friends, liz) will more than likely pore half of a 10 dollar bottle of vodka in a blender with some ice and kool-aid and call it a day.

5. Gay people always have the best pets. this is coming from someone with about a million pets. Gay guys combined with wiener dog people (wiener dog people CANNOT just have one wiener dog. they always come in threes. Much like crazy cat ladies, who;s cats come in 5's.) Gay guys/wiener dog people combination = multiple wiener dogs dressed in the latest fashions...sailor collars, turtlenecks, hats, booties. Basically the cutest thing yo have ever seen.

6. You can only get to gay clubs and bars with a gay person. They are such holes in the wall, and in the most unlikely of places, that without a friend to guide you back, you have no chance of ever finding again. Much like Number 12, Grimmauld place in harry potter, even if u find the general area in which the club was in, it will seemed to have melted back into the other buildings, and you will never find it, no matter how many times you walk past the place where u thought the door was.

7. Your gay friends always have the best bit of drama going on. You always seem to be in a fight, about to get in a fight, thinking about getting in a fight, wondering how to start a fight, or driving at a person full tilt in a parking lot screaming, "Thats my girlfriend, BITCH!"

This is especially true for lesbians.

Brain, Jeremiah, Liz, Paige, Shane, you guys are the best people to hang out with, by far.

Note for members of family who are experiencing confusion

2007-08-29T20:01:00.000-07:00

Angel: Name of my cat of the feline persuasion

Chris: Name of the guy whom is constantly nagged by me, and the bringer of too much furniture, and my boyfriend.

I neither lick my butthole nor live with a nameless stranger.

Thanks.

My apartment + a bunch of crap + a cat

2007-08-28T20:40:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am in a studio apartment, that consists of a tiny space no bigger than a jail cell, meant only to hold the furniture that it came with, being conviently furnished, and a few other small, personal trinkets hither and yon. Everything that I could possibly need or want has been convienently provided. Microwave, fridge, oven, couch, end table, chairs, lamps. What else could we possibly need? After all, this tiny, 300ft space doesn't much allow for anything else. However, you would be astounded to find out what a studio apartment, mary poppins's handbag-like, can hold.

1. Only 1 aquarium of less that 40 gallons is allowed. Reptiles are strictly forbidden. There is no shelf space.

Normal apartment: 1 small goldfish bowl or gerbil in a shoebox. 1 wilting petunia.

Trish's apartment: A bearded dragon in a 55 gallon tank, snake and gecko in 2 medium sized screen cages, 1 10 gallon tank filled to the brim with aquatic fauna, 1 goldfish bowl filled with hermit crabs, 1 betta tank, one cat and all her millions of toys and personal effects, 3 cacti, 1 succulent, and 2 bamboos.

Somehow all cages and tanks fit comfortably, although the apartment closely resembles a small zoo. In fact, a wider variety of animals than pcola zoo, and all better housed and fed. However, cat's litter box and litter mat often prevent the bathroom door from closing, and cat does not understand that behind the frog tank, the shower, the trashcan, on top of zillas, slithers's, and beast's cages, in the crevice between the bed and the wall, under the couch, on top of the stove, and in the drawers are all bad places to be, although she informs me that really, there's no where else for her to go.

2. All furniture is provided by the apartment complet. No additional furniture is needed, nor recommended.

Normal apartment: The only furniture is that provided. Resident adds one small reading lamp. That is all that is needed.

Trish's apartment: Mom and Trish bring all sorts of furniture willy-nilly, believing it to be necessary and there will be plenty of room for it. 2 endtables, 5 lamps, a wicker chair, a cd tower, 3 sets of shelves, and another endtable are all brought. After slide puzzling all the extra and unecessary shit into place, Trish and mom proceed to go out and purchase on xtra large tv stand from target, for zilla's cage.

And you think that's bad?

1 month later, amazingly enough, everything fits. One day Chris says to Trish (glowing with excitement and accomplishment) "I just won $1500 worth of furniture!!!"
"Great babe! where the fuck are we going to do with it??!?!?"

2 days later, Chris delivers 2 EXTRA EXTRA large MARBLE TOPPED AS THICK AS THE FLOOR AT THE LOUVE endtables (yes 2 more endtables!!!!!!!) AND 1 EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA LARGE, LOOKING AS IF IT BELONGS AT FUCKINGHAM PALACE FOR THE QUEEN TO PLAY BRIDGE ON, COFFEE TABLE!! Now please note that the bed pulls down out of the wall, and if put in front of the couch, the bed will hit the fucker on the way down.

Normal apartment resident: Sells the furniture

Trish: Boyfriend finagles furniture into place while Trish is at work, then guilts her into keeping it that way when she gets home "Whew!! I spent 2 hours making it perfect, but if you still want to sell it, thats fine!"

Now before bed, Chris must grunt and heave the coffee table off to one side, which angel joyously prances and cleans her butthole on.

Should have listened to uncle Alan

2007-08-10T09:21:00.000-07:00

When uncle Alan sent an email around stating that the only things that are real in Florida are the rats, bugs, and heat, I was still living in Tinley Park, and naiive enough to laugh it off. I thought to myself, "Well, the heat is what I'm looking forward to, the bugs...I'll just have to deal with when I get there (and they can't be THAT bad!!! LOL!!!), and that any sort of critter, such as a rat or snake, I can happily deal with because most of them live inside my apartment, in cages.

I have been down here 3 weeks. I now know the ugly, sinister, horrifying truth about living in Florida. It's in my garden.

Chris photographed this slithering basilisk creeping into our drainpipe, which he calls home.

And these critters have entered my apartment at their leisure numerous times, prompting me to scream at Chris, "CLOSE THE DOOR!! CLOSE THE DOOR!!!!" If he happens to leave it open for longer than the alloted time period of a half second that I allow him to get in and out of our place. Because, as you have probably guessed, it takes the clever, and often vicious, palmetto bug a matter of 2 seconds to swoop through our door and begin its reign of terror. What I don't yet have pictures of are the numerous walking sticks, leaf bugs, brown leaf bugs, daddy longest legs I've ever seen, ants the size of Texas, small evil biting red ants, and flying things by the billion that have also taken up residence in our apartment. I have also seen geckos, anoles, skinks, and tree frogs clinging to our window, and in one horrifying instance on my way out to go to work, a gray thing with horns the size of a sparrow. The bugs are not only real in Florida, they are the only thing which matter in Florida. Bugs are king in Florida. I have not yet seen any rats, but with a forest directly behind my apartment that is miles and miles long, it really is only a matter of time.

The heat is also the only other "real" thing in Florida. It consumes you. It makes you crazy. I now dread getting into my car. If I don't have the sun shade up, am not parked under a tree, and don't have the windows down halfway, it gets so hot that I cannot touch anything without scalding my hands off. I can't even shift into drive. I have to shift into reverse, wait while hand cools, shift into neutral, wait til hand cools, then shift into drive, by this time eyes are watering copiously, partly from the sweat dripping into them, partly from tears. I take the dogs at my work out of their kennels to walk them outside, we reach the door, and no matter how badly they have to go, they turn right around and practically beg me not to take them out there. No ma'am, we'd rather sit in our own excrement than take a walk outside. I bought a convertible because I was moving to Florida. Now I realize that it's far too hot to have the top down in this 105+, heat index of 115, degree weather.

Trish, welcome to Florida. Uncle Alan, thanks for the warning.