Angel: Name of my cat of the feline persuasion
Chris: Name of the guy whom is constantly nagged by me, and the bringer of too much furniture, and my boyfriend.
I neither lick my butthole nor live with a nameless stranger.
Thanks.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
My apartment + a bunch of crap + a cat
Well, here I am in a studio apartment, that consists of a tiny space no bigger than a jail cell, meant only to hold the furniture that it came with, being conviently furnished, and a few other small, personal trinkets hither and yon. Everything that I could possibly need or want has been convienently provided. Microwave, fridge, oven, couch, end table, chairs, lamps. What else could we possibly need? After all, this tiny, 300ft space doesn't much allow for anything else. However, you would be astounded to find out what a studio apartment, mary poppins's handbag-like, can hold.
1. Only 1 aquarium of less that 40 gallons is allowed. Reptiles are strictly forbidden. There is no shelf space.
Normal apartment: 1 small goldfish bowl or gerbil in a shoebox. 1 wilting petunia.
Trish's apartment: A bearded dragon in a 55 gallon tank, snake and gecko in 2 medium sized screen cages, 1 10 gallon tank filled to the brim with aquatic fauna, 1 goldfish bowl filled with hermit crabs, 1 betta tank, one cat and all her millions of toys and personal effects, 3 cacti, 1 succulent, and 2 bamboos.
Somehow all cages and tanks fit comfortably, although the apartment closely resembles a small zoo. In fact, a wider variety of animals than pcola zoo, and all better housed and fed. However, cat's litter box and litter mat often prevent the bathroom door from closing, and cat does not understand that behind the frog tank, the shower, the trashcan, on top of zillas, slithers's, and beast's cages, in the crevice between the bed and the wall, under the couch, on top of the stove, and in the drawers are all bad places to be, although she informs me that really, there's no where else for her to go.
2. All furniture is provided by the apartment complet. No additional furniture is needed, nor recommended.
Normal apartment: The only furniture is that provided. Resident adds one small reading lamp. That is all that is needed.
Trish's apartment: Mom and Trish bring all sorts of furniture willy-nilly, believing it to be necessary and there will be plenty of room for it. 2 endtables, 5 lamps, a wicker chair, a cd tower, 3 sets of shelves, and another endtable are all brought. After slide puzzling all the extra and unecessary shit into place, Trish and mom proceed to go out and purchase on xtra large tv stand from target, for zilla's cage.
And you think that's bad?
1 month later, amazingly enough, everything fits. One day Chris says to Trish (glowing with excitement and accomplishment) "I just won $1500 worth of furniture!!!"
"Great babe! where the fuck are we going to do with it??!?!?"
2 days later, Chris delivers 2 EXTRA EXTRA large MARBLE TOPPED AS THICK AS THE FLOOR AT THE LOUVE endtables (yes 2 more endtables!!!!!!!) AND 1 EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA LARGE, LOOKING AS IF IT BELONGS AT FUCKINGHAM PALACE FOR THE QUEEN TO PLAY BRIDGE ON, COFFEE TABLE!! Now please note that the bed pulls down out of the wall, and if put in front of the couch, the bed will hit the fucker on the way down.
Normal apartment resident: Sells the furniture
Trish: Boyfriend finagles furniture into place while Trish is at work, then guilts her into keeping it that way when she gets home "Whew!! I spent 2 hours making it perfect, but if you still want to sell it, thats fine!"
Now before bed, Chris must grunt and heave the coffee table off to one side, which angel joyously prances and cleans her butthole on.
1. Only 1 aquarium of less that 40 gallons is allowed. Reptiles are strictly forbidden. There is no shelf space.
Normal apartment: 1 small goldfish bowl or gerbil in a shoebox. 1 wilting petunia.
Trish's apartment: A bearded dragon in a 55 gallon tank, snake and gecko in 2 medium sized screen cages, 1 10 gallon tank filled to the brim with aquatic fauna, 1 goldfish bowl filled with hermit crabs, 1 betta tank, one cat and all her millions of toys and personal effects, 3 cacti, 1 succulent, and 2 bamboos.
Somehow all cages and tanks fit comfortably, although the apartment closely resembles a small zoo. In fact, a wider variety of animals than pcola zoo, and all better housed and fed. However, cat's litter box and litter mat often prevent the bathroom door from closing, and cat does not understand that behind the frog tank, the shower, the trashcan, on top of zillas, slithers's, and beast's cages, in the crevice between the bed and the wall, under the couch, on top of the stove, and in the drawers are all bad places to be, although she informs me that really, there's no where else for her to go.
2. All furniture is provided by the apartment complet. No additional furniture is needed, nor recommended.
Normal apartment: The only furniture is that provided. Resident adds one small reading lamp. That is all that is needed.
Trish's apartment: Mom and Trish bring all sorts of furniture willy-nilly, believing it to be necessary and there will be plenty of room for it. 2 endtables, 5 lamps, a wicker chair, a cd tower, 3 sets of shelves, and another endtable are all brought. After slide puzzling all the extra and unecessary shit into place, Trish and mom proceed to go out and purchase on xtra large tv stand from target, for zilla's cage.
And you think that's bad?
1 month later, amazingly enough, everything fits. One day Chris says to Trish (glowing with excitement and accomplishment) "I just won $1500 worth of furniture!!!"
"Great babe! where the fuck are we going to do with it??!?!?"
2 days later, Chris delivers 2 EXTRA EXTRA large MARBLE TOPPED AS THICK AS THE FLOOR AT THE LOUVE endtables (yes 2 more endtables!!!!!!!) AND 1 EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA LARGE, LOOKING AS IF IT BELONGS AT FUCKINGHAM PALACE FOR THE QUEEN TO PLAY BRIDGE ON, COFFEE TABLE!! Now please note that the bed pulls down out of the wall, and if put in front of the couch, the bed will hit the fucker on the way down.
Normal apartment resident: Sells the furniture
Trish: Boyfriend finagles furniture into place while Trish is at work, then guilts her into keeping it that way when she gets home "Whew!! I spent 2 hours making it perfect, but if you still want to sell it, thats fine!"
Now before bed, Chris must grunt and heave the coffee table off to one side, which angel joyously prances and cleans her butthole on.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Should have listened to uncle Alan
When uncle Alan sent an email around stating that the only things that are real in Florida are the rats, bugs, and heat, I was still living in Tinley Park, and naiive enough to laugh it off. I thought to myself, "Well, the heat is what I'm looking forward to, the bugs...I'll just have to deal with when I get there (and they can't be THAT bad!!! LOL!!!), and that any sort of critter, such as a rat or snake, I can happily deal with because most of them live inside my apartment, in cages.
I have been down here 3 weeks. I now know the ugly, sinister, horrifying truth about living in Florida. It's in my garden.
Chris photographed this slithering basilisk creeping into our drainpipe, which he calls home.
And these critters have entered my apartment at their leisure numerous times, prompting me to scream at Chris, "CLOSE THE DOOR!! CLOSE THE DOOR!!!!" If he happens to leave it open for longer than the alloted time period of a half second that I allow him to get in and out of our place. Because, as you have probably guessed, it takes the clever, and often vicious, palmetto bug a matter of 2 seconds to swoop through our door and begin its reign of terror. What I don't yet have pictures of are the numerous walking sticks, leaf bugs, brown leaf bugs, daddy longest legs I've ever seen, ants the size of Texas, small evil biting red ants, and flying things by the billion that have also taken up residence in our apartment. I have also seen geckos, anoles, skinks, and tree frogs clinging to our window, and in one horrifying instance on my way out to go to work, a gray thing with horns the size of a sparrow. The bugs are not only real in Florida, they are the only thing which matter in Florida. Bugs are king in Florida. I have not yet seen any rats, but with a forest directly behind my apartment that is miles and miles long, it really is only a matter of time.
The heat is also the only other "real" thing in Florida. It consumes you. It makes you crazy. I now dread getting into my car. If I don't have the sun shade up, am not parked under a tree, and don't have the windows down halfway, it gets so hot that I cannot touch anything without scalding my hands off. I can't even shift into drive. I have to shift into reverse, wait while hand cools, shift into neutral, wait til hand cools, then shift into drive, by this time eyes are watering copiously, partly from the sweat dripping into them, partly from tears. I take the dogs at my work out of their kennels to walk them outside, we reach the door, and no matter how badly they have to go, they turn right around and practically beg me not to take them out there. No ma'am, we'd rather sit in our own excrement than take a walk outside. I bought a convertible because I was moving to Florida. Now I realize that it's far too hot to have the top down in this 105+, heat index of 115, degree weather.
Trish, welcome to Florida. Uncle Alan, thanks for the warning.
I have been down here 3 weeks. I now know the ugly, sinister, horrifying truth about living in Florida. It's in my garden.
Chris photographed this slithering basilisk creeping into our drainpipe, which he calls home.
And these critters have entered my apartment at their leisure numerous times, prompting me to scream at Chris, "CLOSE THE DOOR!! CLOSE THE DOOR!!!!" If he happens to leave it open for longer than the alloted time period of a half second that I allow him to get in and out of our place. Because, as you have probably guessed, it takes the clever, and often vicious, palmetto bug a matter of 2 seconds to swoop through our door and begin its reign of terror. What I don't yet have pictures of are the numerous walking sticks, leaf bugs, brown leaf bugs, daddy longest legs I've ever seen, ants the size of Texas, small evil biting red ants, and flying things by the billion that have also taken up residence in our apartment. I have also seen geckos, anoles, skinks, and tree frogs clinging to our window, and in one horrifying instance on my way out to go to work, a gray thing with horns the size of a sparrow. The bugs are not only real in Florida, they are the only thing which matter in Florida. Bugs are king in Florida. I have not yet seen any rats, but with a forest directly behind my apartment that is miles and miles long, it really is only a matter of time.
The heat is also the only other "real" thing in Florida. It consumes you. It makes you crazy. I now dread getting into my car. If I don't have the sun shade up, am not parked under a tree, and don't have the windows down halfway, it gets so hot that I cannot touch anything without scalding my hands off. I can't even shift into drive. I have to shift into reverse, wait while hand cools, shift into neutral, wait til hand cools, then shift into drive, by this time eyes are watering copiously, partly from the sweat dripping into them, partly from tears. I take the dogs at my work out of their kennels to walk them outside, we reach the door, and no matter how badly they have to go, they turn right around and practically beg me not to take them out there. No ma'am, we'd rather sit in our own excrement than take a walk outside. I bought a convertible because I was moving to Florida. Now I realize that it's far too hot to have the top down in this 105+, heat index of 115, degree weather.
Trish, welcome to Florida. Uncle Alan, thanks for the warning.
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