Well, here I am in a studio apartment, that consists of a tiny space no bigger than a jail cell, meant only to hold the furniture that it came with, being conviently furnished, and a few other small, personal trinkets hither and yon. Everything that I could possibly need or want has been convienently provided. Microwave, fridge, oven, couch, end table, chairs, lamps. What else could we possibly need? After all, this tiny, 300ft space doesn't much allow for anything else. However, you would be astounded to find out what a studio apartment, mary poppins's handbag-like, can hold.
1. Only 1 aquarium of less that 40 gallons is allowed. Reptiles are strictly forbidden. There is no shelf space.
Normal apartment: 1 small goldfish bowl or gerbil in a shoebox. 1 wilting petunia.
Trish's apartment: A bearded dragon in a 55 gallon tank, snake and gecko in 2 medium sized screen cages, 1 10 gallon tank filled to the brim with aquatic fauna, 1 goldfish bowl filled with hermit crabs, 1 betta tank, one cat and all her millions of toys and personal effects, 3 cacti, 1 succulent, and 2 bamboos.
Somehow all cages and tanks fit comfortably, although the apartment closely resembles a small zoo. In fact, a wider variety of animals than pcola zoo, and all better housed and fed. However, cat's litter box and litter mat often prevent the bathroom door from closing, and cat does not understand that behind the frog tank, the shower, the trashcan, on top of zillas, slithers's, and beast's cages, in the crevice between the bed and the wall, under the couch, on top of the stove, and in the drawers are all bad places to be, although she informs me that really, there's no where else for her to go.
2. All furniture is provided by the apartment complet. No additional furniture is needed, nor recommended.
Normal apartment: The only furniture is that provided. Resident adds one small reading lamp. That is all that is needed.
Trish's apartment: Mom and Trish bring all sorts of furniture willy-nilly, believing it to be necessary and there will be plenty of room for it. 2 endtables, 5 lamps, a wicker chair, a cd tower, 3 sets of shelves, and another endtable are all brought. After slide puzzling all the extra and unecessary shit into place, Trish and mom proceed to go out and purchase on xtra large tv stand from target, for zilla's cage.
And you think that's bad?
1 month later, amazingly enough, everything fits. One day Chris says to Trish (glowing with excitement and accomplishment) "I just won $1500 worth of furniture!!!"
"Great babe! where the fuck are we going to do with it??!?!?"
2 days later, Chris delivers 2 EXTRA EXTRA large MARBLE TOPPED AS THICK AS THE FLOOR AT THE LOUVE endtables (yes 2 more endtables!!!!!!!) AND 1 EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA LARGE, LOOKING AS IF IT BELONGS AT FUCKINGHAM PALACE FOR THE QUEEN TO PLAY BRIDGE ON, COFFEE TABLE!! Now please note that the bed pulls down out of the wall, and if put in front of the couch, the bed will hit the fucker on the way down.
Normal apartment resident: Sells the furniture
Trish: Boyfriend finagles furniture into place while Trish is at work, then guilts her into keeping it that way when she gets home "Whew!! I spent 2 hours making it perfect, but if you still want to sell it, thats fine!"
Now before bed, Chris must grunt and heave the coffee table off to one side, which angel joyously prances and cleans her butthole on.
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3 comments:
i really hope that your cat's name is angel...and you don't just occasionally refer to yourself as angel. that would make that last sentence awkward. for everyone involved.
I really wish you would have posted the pix of the afore mentioned tables with Angel (the cat)aloft...
The correct answer is 'Craig's List'. While Angel or Chris (whatever his name is) is out, you sell everything except the litter box. God knows you don't want the cat pooping on your bed.
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